Hi. I know I’m dripping wet, but I must tell you this before I leave.
You see, there were things I heard all the time, and you’ve given those things names; advice, direction, guidance, etc. “Be careful of your friends”, “read your Bible and pray every day”, “come to church even when you don’t feel like it” and “be careful of what you watch, think or say”. I was tired. It was for freedom that Christ set me free right? So why do I feel like I’ve been taken to a school called Christianity with a thousand lecture notes and prescribed uniform? Ah well, this is how history has penned down the beginning of my story.
I don’t like to talk plenty, so I’ll tell you straight up. I believed I could “balance” it all. I thought I could be the light and hang around the darkness; after all, they’ll see me better right? Exactly. I thought I could walk the paths I chose as long as I carried God with me. I’ll define my own Christianity; or why else was the veil torn? Soon these thoughts characterized my actions. Let me wrap myself yeah, I’m beginning to feel cold.
Aharn, so I got lost, but I didn’t realize it. I thought my game was still on, but I couldn’t tell that I was losing. I misinterpreted the “high life” of a Christian to be the same life as the world. The opinion of my friends, my status and reputation, my pursuit of wealth; they became contenders with the throne I had set for God in my heart. Even when I received awareness, there was no one I could turn to because the thoughts I had established had become so concrete, and I didn’t think anyone will understand. I didn’t realize that the darkness was making me dim my light. I think I could use some hot Milo right now, but yet again, this isn’t Netflix.
Do you know when it all broke down? It was when I was now not just “balancing”, but I began walking completely on the wrong path. But even then, I had a feeling that I hadn’t been left alone. I saw the first warning sign; it felt calm yet full of truth, “Don’t go.” But the company I was with drew my mind of it and we continued walking. We proceeded further and I met another, “Turn back. It’s dangerous.” I took a short pause but soon I was back in motion again. After that, I barely could see a thing, but somehow I was able to keep walking. It seems there was a last sign, which was more sharp and strict like “STOP!” but I didn’t take much notice. Eventually, I came to what seemed like the end of the road, and that's when I fell. I realized I had been quite anxious, waiting to arrive. There was a pool, and everyone seemed to be having a good time. Notwithstanding the intense darkness, we were still able to find “happiness” in the water. Yet after a short while, I felt like a sheet had been taken off my mind. Suddenly, I wanted to get out of the water. I realized that I could not be in this life but soon I felt overpowered by the water; I was drowning. Sinking lower and lower, I felt a rush of guilt. I wasn’t surprised, but I felt that since I had already began I should keep going down. I didn’t know long I could hold my breath for, but I wasn’t bothered.
I tried to remember everything I’ve been through both good and bad, and that’s when a Voice whispered. The enemy would not allow me believe it. He made me dwell solely on the fact that God hates sin but restrict my faith in the fact that I can go back to Him because of His Son’s death and resurrection. At that point, that truth just seemed like a statement; blank like that. It didn’t stop feeling hard to resist that opposition, but I kept trying. Little by little, I made effort to swim back up. Sometimes the vhim will really come; other times too I’ll remember or realize something and there norr… But I did my best to listen to the Voice and now… I’m sitting here. I apologized to Him and I confessed my sins like I knew to do while I laid near the edge of the pool. I really felt like I had hurt him and even though I have read that He is faithful and just, I still worry. I don’t feel too okay and I don’t know how I’ll get back on track yet. Staring into the space above me, which didn’t feel as dark as before, I just looked. I began to process all the events. Yes! The veil was torn and yes! His Son died so we’ll have a better life. Chale, I realized that the only person who actually knows this life to the core and everything about it is the One who gave it to me. He brought me into this relationship with Him so that He’ll lead me in it; a beautiful one. He will never have the plan of bringing me out of a painful life to another which will cause me harm.
Hmmm, but all I can force to do now is take one step at a time. It hurts knowing that I didn’t realize or do this in the beginning, but I’ll do what I know I can do; I’ll talk to Him, I’ll read His Word for myself. I’m not feeling the “warmth” of His Presence, but if He said He’ll never abandon me, then I’ll believe it. Pray for me, okay. Byee.